Setting basic boundaries helps you align with what you are okay with and what you’re not okay with. Our son is one year of age and we’ve been using gentle early boundaries for several months.
Parents can typically start as soon as their child understands basic phrases, typically well before a year. The ideal time to start may be when your child begins to crawl and he is able to reach off limit items. Child-rearing is not only easier on you, when begun early, but on your child as well.
There are several simple ways for teaching early obedience to babies and toddlers.
Simple, practical, and gentle—these methods can help lay the foundation for future obedience in your child. Starting from as early as 6 months, you can begin this process and you will be glad you did.
1. Teach the phrase “I’m not okay with that.”
At first, it’s more of a preparatory phase, where I teach the basic meaning of “I’m not okay with that.'” Normal healthy babies are all capable of understanding by the time they can crawl, and often well before that. For a little while, moving them away from temptations or distract them to avoid trouble is enough.
2. Show your child what they can do instead.
After you tell your child “I’m not okay with that,” it’s important to show the child what they can do instead. Even if it means physically moving the child away from what they cannot have or do.
If your boundary means, not touching something, then physically remove your child’s hand from the object and tell him “I’m not okay with that.”
No need to explain why the child cannot have a particular object or do a certain action, as small children do not yet understand logic or reasoning. Using simple phrases and actions provides clearer communication for your child to understand.
It’s very appropriate to offer your child an activity or object he may have instead. Helping your child get starting with a new activity is good.
3. Watch your baby.
Watch your baby closely. It’s important to set boundaries when they are actually being crossed. Correct him after-the-fact and he won’t understand. Watch him and correct him as he stretches your boundary. Continue repeat the same process again and again when he forgets or checks to make sure the boundary is real.
There are, of course, times when I’m cooking or doing chores that I can’t watch my son as closely as I’d like. During those times, I try to keep him in an area of our home that doesn’t have off limit items.
4. Stick with it.
Your boundary will be useless if you say “I’m not okay with that” to something and then do nothing a few minutes later when he repeats the same action. Be careful not to give too many commands and directions at first, but when you do tell him something, always hold your boundary.
5. No need to go to extremes.
Babies have good memories, but they are far from perfect. Expect that teaching boundaries from an early age often involves a lot of repetition, as it takes time for babies and toddlers to learn new skills. Keep trying, but remember to be gentle in your methods. All young children are trying to sort out the world and frequently test boundaries to learn and re-learn right and wrong. Keep it basic and simple in the beginning.
6. Have age appropriate expectations.
Teaching basic boundaries to a young child shouldn’t be an all-day affair and it shouldn’t feel like baby boot camp. Based on your child’s individual development, know what your child is capable of and what he isn’t. Expecting behaviors you like some of the time is a realistic place to start.
7. Be the adult you’d like your children to be.
As parents, it’s easy to see ourselves inside our children. They came from us, literally. We are their guide, their protectors, their keepers. It’s important to set an example for our children, always remembering that the number one place our children will learn anything is from us. We all have the power to instill obedience in our children, and sometimes the most basic, common-sense step is behaving well ourselves.
Nina
We do similar things in our home. I think it’s just out of necessity, too. We can’t have babies run amok or they’ll get hurt or not learn limits. I can’t imagine how anyone wouldn’t start steering their kids towards obedience! One thing I still do though is explain the reason behind it, even if it’s small. No long explanations, but just something so they realize there’s a purpose behind it (and not just because). Plus it develops a good habit in me once they’re older.
Lauren Tamm
A short explanation is really smart, Nina! I totally agree it helps at a young age and helps us get into good parenting habits for when they are a bit older!
Super[Wo]man
I think teaching obedience early is SO very important! My girls will embark on the crawling age pretty soon, so I will keep your tips in mind! Thanks for sharing at the NEW #PinFest Lauren!
Lauren Tamm
Thanks Chelsea! I’m excited to hear how it goes for you!
Lynn
I am having a very difficult time with my brothers. My dad thinks that because his sister’s had to take care of him I should take care of my brothers. I am a highschool student and taking college courses what time do I have to teach them obedience. How do I make time in my day to teach them. It’s difficult and I feel so stressed everyday. I do not know what to do. I feel this is my responsibility. Should I not do my homework and just take care of children. I can’t get a job because I always have to take care of my brothers. I find it funny my dad doesn’t trust me with a job but he trust me to take care of my brothers and clean the house. I know there are woman out there who can take care of 2 kids and work. Am I complaining for no reason (because what is the hardship?).
ldskatelyn
Another great post Lauren! My son is one and we feel a tad like we don’t remember how to do this toddlerhood thing, even though we did it with our twins. He can pretty darn stubborn and doesn’t like hearing no. I think part of the problem is thtat he doesn’t have a lot of toys just for him that he loves so the distraction method, which is pretty key for this age, is a little harder. Oh, and he’s obsessed with eating yogurt… like 5 times a day. So we have to tell him no about that. lol
Lauren Tamm
Yes, distraction is so key for this age. My son hates no, but we are trying our very hardest to be consistent, even though giving in seems so much easier at this point!
Mamap777
I must respectfully disagree with this completely. “Obedience is doing what your are told regardless of what is right. Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what you are told.” Wouldn’t you rather moral children than blindly obedient children? I know I would.
Lauren Tamm
Well of course we all desire moral children. This post, however, is directed towards obedience of older babies and toddlers, who lack the ability from a developmental standpoint to understand morality. The world is black and white to them. The do night understand how to do what is right regardless of what they are told. So until morality starts to develop in older school-aged children, I would say that obedience is imperative to guiding our toddlers towards safety, in addition to good behavior. Why my child goes to put his hand on a hot burner, I want him to obey me. When my toddler wants to cross the busy street, I want him to stop and obey me when I tell him to.
Sequoia Mendoza
I wish I had started with obedience 4 years ago, I have a 4-year-old who is disobedient and it wastes so much of our time. She does things that are not okay to be done in our household regardless of what other people who don’t have to tend her or live with us think. I was worried about teaching her to blindly obey potentially making her a victim possibly sometime in the future, but by not teaching it we have wasted so much time that I really wanted to take her to places she liked and be able to really enjoy spending time with her. I completely don’t like spending time with her because she is so often misbehaving and it’s exhausting to deal with it multiple times a day. I feel so bad I can’t enjoy nursing my new baby without the older one pitching two-hour-long fits about anything and everything, today she got hurt standing behind a door I opened that I can’t see her behind. She has been told hundreds of times not to be there, but without obedience, life is poorer, so much so. An argument about not having obedience sounds just fine and had me fooled, but living with it is horrible. If my spouse wouldn’t be obedient in who he slept with, and not hitting me, I wouldn’t have a spouse, obedience isn’t bad it’s essential to life. The boundaries a family holds are what is healthy vs unhealthy not the idea of even having boundaries, that idea is essential to well being. In every business, every gym, every school there are some basic rules and the inability for someone to follow the rules has worse and worse consequences depending on how far that inability extends. ?️
Jane Smith
Thank you for your comment, Sequoia. I am seeing this play out every week now. My sister and her husband have a 5- and 2-year-old. My sister and I were raised with loving but “strict” parents. Basically, they taught us to obey them and respect them and that there were boundaries. And when they told us to do or not do something, we needed to. That didn’t in any way prevent our learning to have opinions or make choices or even learn morality later in life. My sister’s husband was an only child with rather uninvolved and dysfunctional parents, so he didn’t really learn from his childhood how to parent, but he learned to be independent and look out only for himself. When they became parents, my sister would have mostly parented like our parents, just with a bit more obvious grace and love and encouragement. However, she wanted to be on the same page with her husband and be consistent between them for stability, and he believes the kids (even as young as 1.5-2) need to have freedom of choice and not HAVE to do anything. So if my sister made them lunch and they didn’t like it, they ought to be able to choose what they wanted instead. And if she asked them to do something and they didn’t want to, they could choose not to and that was fine. Everything had to be explained to them in detail and lots of options given for every decision in a day, and the oldest kid was able to just basically have his own way much of the time. Obedience didn’t really seem to be a concern, and that led to me helping babysit or just trying to visit my sister and watching her be completely disrespected, manipulated, and completely exhausted by her kids. She would try to establish a boundary like “don’t climb on me right now; I’m talking to your aunt” and they would ignore it or come back to it moments later. She tried hard to be firm about any boundary she tried to establish after the fact, but they’d learned that she could be beaten down eventually, that no limits were hard limits – they just needed pushing long enough or with enough tears, and basically that what mom said was just a suggestion. The kids are both older now, and she is beyond tired. She can’t make dinner that isn’t complained about or ignored. For that matter, she can barely make dinner because the kids are climbing on her, fighting with each other, or asking her 50 questions. She asks/tells them what to do or sets even very reasonable expectations or limits, and they are ignored or run roughshod over. It’s really hard to watch. It’s become extremely hard to be able to help babysit for me or my parents, as we don’t feel allowed to correct or guide her kids at all. Yet when they are in our homes or disrespecting us, we aren’t as willing to just take it. But that brings an outcry from their dad if he sees it, or from my sister almost on his behalf, even if she would agree with our decision. Sorry that was long, but I just really appreciate you being willing to admit trying not to push obedience backfired, and just how much time and energy it robs from you. Like you said, you just would want to take your kid somewhere fun and enjoy it, but you can’t because it might be disobedience and fits the whole time. My sister would love to make her kids great dinners and enjoy talking over supper with them about their days, or to take them on outings (not right now with Covid stuff), but by the time she’s dealt with their disobedience and disrespect and constant troubles, she’s worn out. She barely has anything left in her for her husband or self or the house or her work. She hasn’t felt creative in years. She’s just depleted and wondering why parenting is just SO draining and hard, and seemingly not for everyone. This post in no way is meant to say that parenting isn’t hard and exhausting and time-consuming, but teaching some basic obedience and starting young sure seems to make the whole experience much more enjoyable. Thanks for your thoughts.
Asma
Im new mother
Rahul
Dear Lauren,
Thanks for this great post. Really liked it.
I have my story and need some suggestions from you. Please guide me with your experience.
I have a 5-year-old daughter and 2 years old son. My daughter won’t listen to me(dad) but she listens to her mom(not all the time..). and I am worried that even my son will learn this and he will also start behaving the same way.
Could you please advise us of some tips So, that I can get back all the attentions of my daughter and also a son.